| Too Much at Once |
[01 Aug 2009|02:11am] |
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I haven't written in here or read anything on livejournal in so long I don't even know who is still on my friends list, but I am in a writing mood anyway.
I have had the shittiest summer ever. June 15 my cat Luciano, who I've had for 8 years was sick and had to be put to sleep. He was so cool, people who didn't even like cats loved him because of his personality. Sad.
Two days later I got in a really bad car accident. (A little background info: in June 2005 I was in an accident; car was totaled. June 2007, also in an accident; car was totaled. Now, June 2009, in an accident car is totaled. Fucked up pattern and I refuse to drive in June 2011)
Anyway, this was the only accident that I had a passenger. We were both taken to the hospital in an ambulance. She ended up having to stay for 2 weeks because of injuries, but I got to go home that night. So her injuries were mainly physical, while mine are mostly mental. It was making me sick to know I was the driver and I wasn't even the one who got hurt. It could have been worse though. It could have been a whole lot worse. But if my car had side air bags she probably would not have been hurt nearly as badly, but I need to stop playing these what-if games.
She is out of the hospital now and finishing up recovering. I am so glad she will not have any lasting injuries. She has been great about everything, and never blamed me for a second. I of course blame myself, but she never has. That is a true, great friend.
I already had issues with anxiety and driving because of the two previous accidents, and now its just out of control. I've been to a doctor but if the medication is helping I can't tell.
I keep thinking of and hearing the screeching sounds of the jaws of life ripping metal off my car, rain pounding down outside so hard it was bouncing back up off the pavement. My mind was mush, I was so worried about everyone else I couldn't even sign my stupid name when the paramedic asked me. The entire experience was surreal.
Things are getting better I guess, especially as I see how my friend is healing. I still know though, this has changed me forever. I suppose every experience you ever have changes you, shapes you a little into the person you are, the person you are to become.
And now what happens? Last Friday another one of my cats (I originally had 3)suddenly has a seizure or blood clot or something... My mom and I take him to the vet as soon as they open. She (same one who had to put the other cat to sleep, same fuckin room even) says his enlarged heart caused a blood clot to spread, gradually cutting off his circulation. He was slowly dying and no one wanted him to suffer anymore so we had to put him to sleep, too. His circulation was so bad in fact, the vet gave him enough euthanasia for an 80+ Lb dog and it did nothing. Finally, he went to sleep.
Now I am left with just one cat (the brother of the one that most recently died). He is so sad and lonely and confused he follows me around the apartment, to the bathroom even. I see see his little head poke through the shower curtain. Its heart wrenching because I can't even explain to him why he has to be alone.
So, I am quite done with shitty summer shit happening, and I don't think me and my last remaining cat can take anymore. My mom has been very supportive through all of this, and I don't think I would be where I am without her, even though this is still a not good place. I am overwhelmed, every day.
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| I hate summer. |
[01 Sep 2007|04:51am] |
Finally, it's officially September. June, July, and August are my three most hated months. I like cold weather. I do not like sweating as soon as I walk out of my house. I really do not like getting in a car so hot that an egg could be fried on the dashboard. Blah, ick.
I've always liked when the weather matches my general mood. Therefore most of the time this crappy sunny and cloudless weather contradicts me and makes me feel uncomfortable.
I love gray skies and rain misting down all day. I love fall and stepping on crunchy leaves and then when it rains kicking through the soggy leaves in my awesome boots that are too hot to wear in the summer.
Gray, rainy and dreary days make me feel good. The sun can just go fuck itself. Ok, I realize that we need the sun but I would prefer it just hide behind some thick clouds most of the time.
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| Rant: US Politics, especially insurance bullshit |
[11 Jul 2007|04:35am] |
Last weekend I saw the movie ‘Sicko’ by Michael Moore. I had heard great things about it so I had high expectations and I was definitely more than satisfied with the movie. It made me sad, angry, and also of course, laugh. When I was 10 years old and my Mom got breast cancer she said something to the effect of, “Its better to laugh than cry about it”. She is totally fine now and I really don’t know how many of the bills the insurance covered, but I am sure it still cost my parents a good chunk of change even though they both had good jobs.
The United States ranks 37th in the world for heatlh care, and if I remember correctly there are several third world countries ahead of us. France is the number one country for good healthcare. In France if you get cancer or have a child, you can pretty much get as much time as you need off (fully paid) from your job.
Unfortunatley I cannot recall the name or title of the British government person/ex government person, but these are his words: “If a country can afford to kill people in war, then they sure as hell can afford to help their own citizens with health care.” I paraphrased that a bit, but that’s the gist of it.
I won’t give away too much of the movie but, bullshit is happening within the United States insurance companies so that people who are supposedly ‘insured’ have
to make awful decisions like, ‘Well, which finger would I really like re-attached’, and ‘Well, which ear would I like my daughter to hear out of’, etc.
Apparently insurance companies like to label certain medical procedures as “experimental” so they can say they won’t pay for it. Fucking bullshit.
(Oh really? I’m sorry, I was unaware that bettering people’s lives was experimental, but then again….oh yes, I remember…we live in the US )
Bottom line? This movie just backs up my opinion that the health care system in this county is totally fucked up. Totally. Yeah man, lets spend billions of tax dollars to kill people overseas that we don’t even know and… lets just drop of our own citizens when they are forced out of the hospital at Skid Row if they can’t afford the medical care and let them figure out for themselves what the hell to do… Lets let our own citizens die of cancer because they can’t afford chemo-therapy, and how about denying essential medications to so many because ...umm..why’s that ? Oh yeah, the pharmaseutical companies needs to makes da lossa moolas and a phat profit so they can go on vacation to the caribbean. Pfft.
Just when did it go out of style to have a conscience? As far as I’m concerned, so many things are worth far more than a shitload of money. Sometimes I have trouble understanding how certain people within our government can sleep at night. Probably they just see all the commercials on TV for pills to help sleep (non-addictive, of course, wink) I don’t know…..I don’t even know anymore…..Pretty much I am sick of old white men deciding that they can decide for this country what the best thing to do is.
Until you have walked a mile in another person’s shoes..… At least in the coming election bush cannot be re-elected…..Sometimes when I really stop the think about it, its nearly painful and embarrassing to know that this country actually elected him
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| Rage |
[15 Jun 2007|01:24am] |
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Is anyone else from the Detroit area planning to go to the Rage Against the Machine concert on August 24? Its in Wisconsin about 6 or 7 hours away but I've been wanting to see them play since I cant even remember. Its at Alpine Valley Music Theatre, which is a venue that holds about 36,000 I believe. Lemme know if you're going or want to go. I think it would be a lot of fun to get a big group of people together and go.
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| Eerie & Scary |
[10 May 2007|03:23am] |
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music |
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Muse: Knights of Cydonia |
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I just got home from work and I have never seen that much fog before, or at least I've never had to drive in it. You could play hide and seek in a wide open area, thats how bad it was. Driving was almost like feeling your way instead of seeing your way. If I wasn't driving a route I've been many times before I think I would have had to just pull over and wait. Pretty much you couldn't see where you were going until you were already there. For once I was actually grateful for all the stupid orange and white construction barrels with reflectors. Thats one of the only reasons I could even a little bit see where I should be going. Crazy shit, I nearly drove by my own house. The fog was actually really eerie and pretty to look at but I hope I never have to drive in fog that bad ever again. Strange weather lately, on my way to work I saw a big rainbow arc across the sky.
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| ... and more jackassery x2 |
[26 Apr 2007|04:39am] |
I bartended tonight and this guy comes in and starts talking about how he was in Iraq. Ok, thats cool, and it could have been pretty interesting conversation. But then.... he hardly talks about Iraq or politics at all, which is what I was hoping for. Instead he goes off on this rant about how when he returned home he found his girlfriend with another guy.
My train of thought? That fucking sucks, dump her. His train of thought? Grrr...whers ma gun, I needs to shoots ya both. He begins pretty much bragging to everyone about how he was so raging mad he got his gun out and shot them. Wow, jackass, I am so impressed. I can't even begin to tell you how much I admire men that brag to me about using violence to 'solve' problems with their girlfriends, regardless of what she has done. I was curious and yet skeptical of his story, as I believe everyone else who was listening was. I asked him "And what city was this in? What did the courts say? Did you get in trouble?" He began kinda fumbling around for words, which made me hesitant to believe anything he way saying. He finally spat out that it was in some small town in northern Michigan and that he shot them in the legs and didn't get in trouble because he claimed the whole situation occurred because of post traumatic stress disorder. Bullshit.
I certainly believe that post traumatic stress disorder is real...but not in this case. It was just a stupid excuse. (I hate when people say things like that because it completely undermines the people that actually do have the problem) He never even said what happened in the end. I think he got pissed no one at the bar really seemed to take him seriously.
When we all thought he was done being a colossal jackass he just kept talking. "So this one time I dated this Korean bitch. She was such a, um...ya know...bitch. Stupid bitch." Once I got past how articulate he was I was going to say something but he interrupted me with, "Gahh, all Korean girls are bitches." I'm thinking to myself, 'How dumb are you, really...how ignorant do you have to be to just spew this shit in public?' He seemed annoyed once everyone started arguing with him and glaring at him. Yes jackass, isn't it just shocking that not everyone is as ignorant as you are? Sorry we're not impressed that you wanted to/did shoot your girlfriend, sorry we don't also hate Koreans because you had a bad date years ago.. Oh wait, that right, we're not sorry, not at all. Only sorry you're are stupid as you are.
And so I believe he pretty much walked away from the bar his tail between his legs. I'm not sure though because I had already begun to ignore him.
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| Jackassery |
[24 Apr 2007|08:01pm] |
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One of my biggest pet peeves is when I am walking back to my car at school or in some other large parking lot and someone slowwllyy drives behind me to get my spot. So some jackass that was to lazy to go look for their own parking spot did this today. I got one of the very farthest spots but they just kept on following me almost the entire length of the parking lot. I get in my car and they wait behind so they can take the spot as soon as I leave. Little do they know I am very stubborn and I am not driving away until they leave and I will sit in my car as long as it takes them to give up. I always do this when someone follows me like that and usually they give up fairly quickly. Today it took almost 15 minutes before the person gave up. 15 minutes, and there were plenty of other parking spots and that were a lot better than mine. It doesn't even make sense. They actually honked at me at one point which only made me more determined to not leave. Finally they gave up and turned around a corner, but not before they saw me back out and someone else who happened to be driving by get the spot. Haha. I know I wasted 15 minutes of my day but it was worth it.
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[18 Apr 2007|06:42pm] |
"...Maybe you're just sitting around, reading 'Guns and Ammo', masturbating in your own feces, do you just stop and go, "Wow! It is amazing how fucking crazy I really am!"
K, the news is pissing me off. Not so much the coverage of the school and the people who died, but all the focus and attention the shooter is getting is retarded. Thats exactly what he wanted, and nows he's getting it. Whats that? He sent a whole package to NBC full of writing and videos and photos of him and his guns? *gasp* Is it maybe possible he's proud of himself and thinks he's a martyr? Jackass media. He's probably in hell laughing and jacking off while watching the news.
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| The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had |
[24 Jan 2007|04:30am] |
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music |
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Tears for Fears, Mad World (come on, I had to listen to it) |
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A couple nights ago I had a strange dream in which I died. For the second night in a row I dreamed that the car I was in went out of control and flew off the road. In the first dream I was alright, but I died in this one.
I am driving on one of those deserted mountain roads that is very windy with lots of sharp turns. It is wintertime and the top of the mountain is covered in snow and the roads are a little icy. Bitter cold wind swooshes around with no particular direction. As the car turns around a sharp bend my breath catches in my throat because I know that the car is about 3 seconds from flying off the road into the snowy abyss and there is nothing I can do to stop it. At this point I am panicing because I know I am about to die. Die. Dead. Forever. Then somehow a semi-conscious part of my brain becomes alert enough for me to realize that this is only a dream and there is nothing to be afraid of. As soon as I am aware of that I go back into my dream state where I don't know its a dream and I think it is all really happening. The realization that I should not be afraid of pain or death in any way stays with me and I just....let go.
I hear tires begin to screech and the car flies into the air and I fall out. Suddenly the car is gone and I am alone, falling in a face-up position, kind of like I'm laying down on my back. Logic tells me I must be falling extremely quickly. But it feels like I am slowly going down..down....down, down like a feather caught in the breeze. I look up at the mountain and see a single white balloon floating up into the sky and it makes me smile. Everything is beautiful and I am calm and at peace with everything and everyone (even though in real life I am not). I feel warm and cozy inside, as if the entire sky is wrapping soft beams of sunshine (normally I don't really care for the sun but right now it is all I want) around me. It is hard for me to even articulate in my own mind this wonderful comforting feeling. Almost like a sleepy, rainy day sort of orgasm that just doesn't end. It is difficult to describe because it isn't a sexual feeling; just a full mind and body sensation that I am enveloped in some strange and sublime nirvana. The sort of element that gives you uncontrollable happy tears. And you can let them go as much as you want because no one is watching.
It was a strange, very strange dream. Not bad though, not at all, and I wasn't afraid of anything.
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| First Entry. |
[18 Jan 2007|07:17am] |
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music |
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Type O Negative, Black No. 1 |
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Is the glass half full or half empty?
For me, it’s definitely half empty but...at least there’s somethin in it.
I’m not quite sure exactly what that means, but its probably something along the lines of the appreciation of life since (I think) its still possible to appreciate it from a pessimistic point of view. Its not always a bad thing to see glasses half empty. It is just a different thing. And different is good.
Not everyone can say that embracing the dark, melancholy, and deathy (yeah new word; I just made it up) side of life makes them feel..almost natural and comfortable I guess. So the world needs us sad, depressed, pessimistic (and maybe a bit wiser than the annoying people that are always jumping happy) people to complete the full spectrum of the experience of existing. After all, without the bitter, the sweet ain’t as sweet.
The following is a poem I wrote several years ago, which is how I came up with this new journal name. Don't worry though, I'm not going to fill this journal with whiny poetry. Just this one:
Blessed and damned
Condemned to be
Both forever
They struggle
In me
Sweet and sour
Oil and water
Opposites collide
Back and forth like the tide
My bipolar magnets
Refuse to unite
Resisting each other
They make me fight
To stay afloat
And not go down
But sometimes I feel
Like I'm going to drown
Locked in my head
I'm at my worst
Numb but not dead
This is my curse
Then at times it's sublime
My sins of seven
Make my soul feel as if
It's been sent to heaven
Not a care in the world
I'm finally free
A frenzy of bliss
Submerges me
Heaven & Hell
Woven in one
This is my life
and sometimes
I just want to be done
Blessed and damned
Condemned to be
Both forever
They struggle
In me
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